Looking for Freedom? I think I’ve found it: An Ode to Merlin

This…is Merlin. 

Hello.

Yesterday Merlin got fired.

Wait, what?

Did Merlin cast a 4th Level Firestorm and level the place?

Alakazam!

No, but locks should probably be changed.  Forgot to buy Kevlar too.  AMP energy drinks, years-worth of pent-up aggression, and a lifetime of failure is a dangerous mix.  Caution best practice.  Best to fear Merlin Mix.

Fear this

Second job in row for Merlin to get the ax now.  Second bag of Merlin Mix to fear.  Might suggest three times makes a trend, but with Merlin two is enough.  Probably best for Merlin to relocate to magical place where irritating behavior, dickish comments, were-hair, bottomless synthetic energy, stupid baby-hating, spousal-avoidance tickets, incompetent work habits, and exceptional wall-building ability are welcome.

Some place like this

Nevertheless, Merlin is gone.  And without Merlin, time is spent pondering things.  Things like:

 How many energy drinks does one need to sit on one’s ass all day? 

How many donettes can one buy without a source of income? 

How will Merlin afford to attend DragonCon? 

This shit ain’t free you know

How will Merlin complete his Magic the Gathering card set?  (Wyverns are going for a steep price these days don’t you know)

How many orcs will lose their lives at the hands of an angry Merlin? 

And, of course, who will be next behind the Wall? 

Poor bastard almost made it

Facebook helps to shed some light.  Instead of questioning Merlin’s many poor decisions, Merlin instead spending time at computer recruiting Battlemasters to repel oncoming Hordes.  (Merlin’s words, not mine)  Hope Battlemasters realize Merlin’s best spell is Failure.

 One man foreign to failure is David Hasselhoff who once sung a song titled Looking For Freedom atop the Berlin Wall.  It soon became the anthem for the movement to tear it down.  Doesn’t seem right to tear down the Merlin wall without him. 

 Looking for Freedom, David?  I think I’ve found it. 

–Jack

Published in: on April 22, 2010 at 8:30 am  Leave a Comment  

BREAKING NEWS: MERLIN FIRED

The Wall, at long last, has come down.  Stay tuned for final thoughts…

Published in: on April 20, 2010 at 8:01 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 395: Merlin is Afraid of Cats and I Will Use That Knowledge to Destroy Him

Long wait since last post.  Much too busy at work.  Upset about Merlin Olsen.  Reminded me to continue.

Will begin with cats.

Merlin has Spousal Unit. Looks like Andrea from 90210.  But worse.  Andrea lookalike does not like Merlin either, but a story for another day.  Said Spousal Unit adopted cat.  An older cat.

Merlin has said that it is stupid to adopt older cats.

Aha.  Clue #1!  Why does Merlin think it is stupid to adopt older cats?  Older cats get put down if not adopted.  Less cats.  Less cats equals less cats for Merlin to fear.  Plus not adopting cat means no cat for Merlin in Merlin’s Lair.

Merlin then had cat declawed.  Cruel practice. Not enough for Merlin though. Merlin only had front paws declawed.  Not rear.  Half-clawed cat a result.

Clue #2:  Forced to live with cat, Merlin struck back, maiming it for life.  But why?  Fear.  Merlin fears it.  Plus, cat claws good for wide array of magical potions.  But mostly because he fears it.  Fears the cat.

Perhaps this is a reach.  Perhaps Merlin simply hates cats.  But Merlin is crafty.  A diversion is possible.  As Yoda said, fear leads to anger and anger leads to hate…

Fear.

Mental note: must get cat.

–Jack

Published in: on March 11, 2010 at 7:08 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 385 Cont’d: Too Much Energy

A magician with too much energy is a bad thing.  A magician with too much supplemental sugary energy is even worse.

Merlin drinks nothing but sugar and caffeine.  Never seen drinking water, juice, tea, even coffee (despite caffeine).

No, Merlin drinks nothing but:

  • Mountain Dew and lots of it
  • 5 Hour Energy
  • Any large aluminum can with the words:  AMP/AMP’D, TRACTION, MONSTER, RELOAD, HYPE, BOLT, etc.
  • Any large aluminum can with the letter X plastered all over it (presumably to represent EXTREME energy)

Common to see Merlin drinking these in combination with one another.  Not uncommon to see two Traction cans and one 5 Hour Energy consumed in one 8 hour period.

Yikes.

Which is probably why Merlin is often incomprehensible.  Like yesterday’s team meeting for example.

“Mumble mumble BLURT!  Mumble mumble BLAT!”

Now that’s English.

And that’s what I hear every day behind…you guessed it…the Merlin Wall.  Mumble mumble blurt indeed.

–Jack

Published in: on February 26, 2010 at 3:06 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 385: Magical Dreams

Dreamt about Merlin last night.  Not as creepy as it sounds.

Was in endzone on football field.  Trying to talk to someone on opposite endzone.  A figure appears on 50 yard line.  Walks from sideline to the middle of the field directly between myself and the person I am trying to talk to.  Stops conversation.  Turns to face me.

Merlin.

Of course.

Not only does Merlin prevent me from communicating with coworkers, but Merlin prevents me from communicating with those in my dreams.  Excellent.

It’s magicians like Merlin that makes me wish Freddy Kruger inhabited my dreams instead.

–Jack

Published in: on February 26, 2010 at 2:48 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 383: Just Call Me Gremlin Hands

Merlin getting under skin today.  Worse than usual.

Started day on phone talking like a baby.  Merlin’s baby.  In cutesy-poo mock baby voice.  Example:

“Daddy, what’s this cool stuff falling out of the sky?  It’s all wet and squishy!”

Will assume matter in question is snow but will give it no further thought other than to pray that voice is never heard again.

Merlin held out piece of paper for me.  When I reached for it, Merlin threw it down on my desk and turned away.  Nice.  Way to make that moment as rude as possible, Merlin.  Next time, punch me in the nuts when I reach for the paper you magical douche.

Got called Gremlin Hands today too.  Never been called that before. 

Having trouble with computer.  Tech guys took it away to fix.  Gave it back, still broken.  Tech guys still looking at it.  Merlin, watching my frustration, decided it would be funny to call me Gremlin Hands.  As in my hands are those that destroy laptops.  Much chortling involved.

Continued Gremlin Hands bit by saying Merlin’s Spousal Unit also has Gremlin Hands.  Merlin Wife destroys laptops as well, apparently.  So, in order to prevent any means of not accessing Virginworlds.com Merlin does not permit Spousal Unit to perform home computing.  Nice.

Because the road to lifelong committment is paved in magical boundaries.

Magical boundaries.  Like the one I sit behind every day. 

–Jack

Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 4:19 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 382: Gaining Traction

Merlin quiet lately.  Been working emails.  Less talking.  Good.

Merlin drinking purple energy drink called Traction today.  Don’t see Merlin gaining traction, however.  Seems to be sitting in same seat.  No traction.  Or does Traction cause Merlin to sit for longer?  Don’t see the energy in that.  Confused.  Just hoping Traction doesn’t give The Wall any more, well, traction.

Merlin reading book called Starfist: Double Jeopardy.  Possible Ashley Judd involvement.  Unsure.  If stuck behind Wall for eternity, Starfist not first choice in reading.  Something heavier better for head-bashing purposes.

Spent five minutes on the Other Side of the Merlin Wall yesterday.  Felt like Neil Armstrong.

One small step for a man…  One giant leap for………that same man.

With the shackles thrown off, and being an Officer of Science, I set out to record my observations.  Unfortunately I only had time for one: The Smell. 

It smells better on the other side of the Merlin Wall.  Fresher, sweeter.  Like an Irish spring with a person using Irish Spring in it. 

Back behind The Wall I am reminded of Lynyrd Skynyrd…

Ooh, ooh that smell
Can’t you smell that smell?
Ooh, ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you.

It does indeed.

–Jack

Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 2:32 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 379: Too Much Information

When you stare at a wall long enough you start to notice little details you never would have noticed had you just walked on by.  Like, it’s forty-two bricks wide… Wow! And, hey, that mortar looks fresh. Interesting!  And, do I spy a spot of quartz? Why, yes I do!

Such is the same with the Merlin Wall.  (WARNING: The information that follows may permanently scar you)

For example, I discovered Merlin likes to take Merlin’s books with Merlin to the bathroom.  And not only that!  Merlin’s done that twice since lunch today.  That must be a damn good book!

Merlin also recounted Merlin’s past weekend spent in the bathroom with Merlin’s familial units.  In detail, and without listening to my pleas for Merlin to stop, Merlin described all the bodily fluids being expunged from the usual holes.  Not only that, but those holes also belong to Merlin’s Spousal Unit and Merlin’s Miniature Unit.  (Yes there’s room for a joke there.  Too easy.)  Merlin also went on to describe Merlin’s experience replacing said Miniature Unit’s diapers fifteen times a day.

Excellent.  Such is my life behind the Merlin Wall.  Now let me explore the wall behind me some more.

Wow, do I detect sheetrock?  Sweet!

–Jack

Published in: on February 17, 2010 at 3:05 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 378: Merlin Missing

No Merlin today.  Banged out.  At lair slaying Fire Gnomes with Blade of Portence in the Blood-Strewn Fields of Azlatoth instead.  Probably figured that Ring of Power would render Merlin invisible from the angry gaze of management for banging out the day after a long weekend during snowstorm.

Today was to be Merlin’s first day working the Email Queue too.  I was to be the one to teach Merlin.  Probably figured that Ring of Power would render Merlin invisible from the angry gaze of management for avoiding learning a new responsibility the day after a long weekend during snowstorm.

Today an unhappy customer with recently deceased mother called upset about poor customer service from last week.  Unsurprisingly spoke to Merlin.  Now client waits for funds that should have been made available with Merlin’s help.  Perhaps figured Ring of Power would render Merlin invisible from the angry gaze of management for providing poor customer service to clients with recently deceased parents the day after a long weekend during snowstorm.

By my calculations, that’s a triple-fail of magical proportions for Merlin.

The Current Score: 

Fields of Azlatoth: 3

Real Life: 0

–Jack

Published in: on February 16, 2010 at 3:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 377 Cont’d: More Lies From Merlin

Merlin continues to lie about bowling performance.  When asked about Merlin’s low score Merlin said he hadn’t bowled in two years due to Merlin’s (not-stupid) offspring.

But I recall Merlin saying yesterday that Merlin bowled last week and got a 220.

So, Merlin, which is it?  Last week or two years ago?

Oh, that’s right.  The correct answer is the one that Merlin thinks will make Merlin look cool. 

Only a magician as skilled as Merlin could twist the truth in such ways.  Bravo Merlin.  Bravo.

–Jack

Published in: on February 12, 2010 at 2:53 pm  Leave a Comment